Random Thoughts on Accountability

I was sharing with a colleague earlier today about my 25 years in Corporate America and the number of times a well intended executive came up with an "Accountability Program". It usually included a slogan, some internal marketing collateral and many PowerPoint presentation water-falled through the organization. Inevitably the masses would roll there eyes, say "here we go again" it's the "A" word and go back to doing what they had always done in the way they had always done it. It made me think about why the well-intended programs failed time and again.

And then it came to me. Accountability isn't something you tell someone else to be. Accountability is the measure of how aligned you are to your own integrity. For example: I woke up this morning feeling out of sorts, like something wasn't quite right. I was tired, kranky, unmotivated and scenarios of the week's events kept playing in my head, many of them representing unfinished business. So I asked myself: "On a scale of 1-10 (1 low, 10 high) what is my satisfaction level with how I am aligned to my own integrity right now?" and the number that came up was "2". Well that explained everything for me. So, I took 5 actions steps to clean up the unfinished business. I felt the dark cloud drift away, my energy began to return and where there was doubt there was now faith that I could do what needed to be done. Voila! by being accountable and completing unfinshed business, my integrity score bumped up to a 6 and freed me up to look at what else I needed to take care of. And that's just the beginning. . .

WHAT IF. . .

. . . all stress was caused by one thing? Specifically the kind of stress that eats away at our bodies the way a faulty fire sprinkler system would rot a building from the inside out. You know, the unhealthy stress. The kind that shows up when you are in a rage or scared silly. That fight or flight response. It appears when that crazy driver cuts you off or when your co-worker takes your ideas or you think a perfect stranger is thinking negatively about you. When the dog chews your favorite shoe or when you have to give a big presentation in front of a large group. Did you know that the number two fear behind fear of spiders is the fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations? Seriously? The number two fear is that someone (who we may not even know) might think something negatively about us. I can feel some of you shaking at the thought! And that's the point. You just had a thought and it sent you reptilian. Into fight or flight. It's just a thought. About something you have absolutely no control over. Other people's judgment. The response is automatic. You feel threatened, you react.

So what's the one thing I believe causes stress? Wanting a situation to be different than what it is. Some idiot cut you off, your shoe is trashed and your co-worker is ruthless, you think someone is thinking negatively about you. It's done, it happened, there is no turning back. What if you could just say so what? And not the kind of defensive so what we said when we were kids. A neutral so what. Or some other neutral response. But that's not what human's do. No way. Human's have to find other humans to complain to about how mad they are at that crazy driver or the lazy co-worker who can't come up with his own ideas. Give a human an ear and we'll tell you just how wronged we are and that whatever happened shouldn't have. Think about it. There is no such thing as it shouldn't have happened. It already did! If I had a dollar for every hour I spent complaining to another poor soul about how wronged I was and how screwed up the other guy is. . . suffice it to say I've wasted a bit of time and energy.

But, I've learned a trick that has reduced my stress level by at least 80%. Acceptance. I know, I talked about it last blog, but it's not as simple as it sounds. It's a new habit that is contrary to how our human brains work. Especially the left side that looks for what's wrong or right, good or bad, black or white. So how do you develop the habit of acceptance? Every time you feel that icky stress (fight or flight) notice it. Say, "there's that feeling." I either want to hit something or run. Then, ask a question like "is there anything I can do to affect this situation?" if the answer is yes, determine what the action is and do it or commit to doing it as soon as it makes sense. If the answer is no, well, can you see how futile it is to give it any more attention? Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. . .

Of course, if you love drama, it will certainly feed the drama and you can draw lots of other people in to your drama, but is that really who you want to be? What if you just let it be?
Think about it. Try it. Make it a practice. See how much lighter you feel and smoother your day goes. Seriously you will be shocked at how much more time and energy are available to you for the things that really matter!

Next blog: Guilt Free Fun and Leisure!

From Resistance to Acceptance

The single most powerful way to get out of your own way is through acceptance. I did not say agreement. Nor did I say be a doormat. And I"m not talking about think and be positive and somehow you will magically get what you desire. No, I'm simply talking about the act of acceptance.

Take the weather in Northern Michigan. Yesterday it was in the mid 40's, the snow was almost gone, grass was showing for pity sake! We saw the first snowflake while on a walk at around 5:00. By 8:00 there was 6 inches of snow on the ground and by morning 15 inches. You would have thought the sky had fallen. The groaning about the weather, would this winter ever end? and oh my blah, blah, blah. And this was just the weather people. Hello? this is Northern Michigan where you can have snow one day and a tornado the next. It has always been like this. It will always be like this.

So what happens when resistance (I hate Michigan weather, it depresses me, I can't go anywhere, it's so cold, I can't work out. . . ) shifts to acceptance (Oh look, it's a typical March where one day has no resemblance to the next.) Let's play it out. With resistance, you get stress, frustration, even anger and for sure, stuck. With acceptance you get choice. Acceptance invites no negative energy. In fact, it clears the way for positive action. "Shoveling the snow will be my workout today and while I'm at it, I think a snow angel is in order, or maybe snowballs thrown for the dog to chase. He makes me laugh when he can't figure out where it went." Acceptance opens the door to new perspectives. Like seeing this snow as the first snowfall of the season, which by the way is exactly what it looks like. Soft, clean, and frankly very pretty against the clear blue sky.

Try this the next time you get caught in resistance for anything. Notice the resistance. Feel it for a minute or two. Notice how tight you feel, like someone placed a band around your forehead or has forced your jaws to stick together. Maybe your heart is pounding or you are feeling agitated like you've had a bit too much caffeine.

Ask yourself: Do I have any control in this situation? If the answer is no then acceptance is your only choice. So you can say, "This is out of my control." In a calm, non-blaming way. Or you can just say. "Okay." Say it out loud a few times if you must until the tension and agitation begin to subside. Okay is simply acknowledgment. Not agreement. Again, once you accept you can take positive action. With resistance all you get is stuck and messiness.

Oh, by the way. All stress is caused by resisting the present moment. More about that next time!

Why is advice so easy to give and difficult to accept?

Especially when that advice comes from myself? Advice is my gift. I can't recall a time when it wasn't simple for me to assess a situation and blurt out some sage advice. I can remember in my 20's a wise older woman with a psychology degree (my boss at the time) asking "How did you get so wise?" I remember thinking "Huh? What is she talking about?" Most of the time the advice I give works. When solicited, of course.

Until I'm working with me. What is up with that? I know what I need to do. What do I do instead? ANYTHING else! I think I should do what? Nah, I'd rather get in my own way, sabotage any chance of success and stand defiant when I make no progress. It's as if there is a small part of me that believes it has to be hard. Messy. Challenging. Dramatic!

Take this blog for example. It's been a goal for at least 4 months. Here's how I became stuck.

1. Make a decision to start a blog (how hard can it be?)
2. Begin process of resistance (fantasize about overnight success, get overwhelmed, avoid)
3. Chastise self for procrastinating (pick up virtual club, beat on virtual head)
4. After extended period, get fed up, just do it. (wonder why it took so long)

Imagine the stress that could have been avoided if step 2 and 3 were skipped!

Next time, I'll ask a few helpful questions like I would with anyone else:

What small steps can you take today to get started?
How much time will it take?
When will it be done?
Are you willing to do it?
What will you do to disrupt the sabotage cycle when it begins?
Repeat until complete.

Whew! Does anybody else do this to themselves?